Prosthesis has started something which I think deserves to be expanded upon.  His entry is

  • If you think the most important aspect of the Ted Haggard story is that Mike Jones is a man, you might be a [Christian] fundamentalist.

I include:

  • If you refuse to take a snake bite kit when hiking
  • If you think "Hard Music" is music that’s difficult to play
  • If you use the words "thee", "thou" or "fornication" in everyday speech (you can be doubly sure if you pronounce the latter word "fornification")
  • If you purposely call Santa "Satan" and then coyly act as if it was an honest mistake
  • If you believe that a fat preacher has the right to preach about the virtue of self-control