Because Christians are most often harping about immoral sex, and say little about the joys of sex within marriage, they are often viewed as “against sex.” David Wayne at jollyblogger makes a very good point when he writes
Somehow, those of us who want to preserve sex for marriage need to come up with a more compelling picture of marital sex than we are doing.
David goes on to say:
We’ve got to come up with a compelling “yes” when talking about sex which can paint marital sex as such a good thing it is worth waiting and preparing for. We’ve also got to teach married Christians how to practice sex in such a way that their married sex is more enjoyable and fulfilling than porn and/or affairs.
In short, married Christians need to see their sexual relationship as something that is intrinsically good and God-honoring. They also need to see that it is their duty to enjoy sex to the fullest.
Yes, those out there in the world are doing sex all wrong – engaging in all kinds of immoral relationships. But at least they can smile when they say the word “sex.”
Christians ought to be the ones with the biggest smiles when it comes to sex.
So the question is, what are the joys of married sex?
Table of Contents
1. No fear of pregnancy
When you are wanting to have sex but not suffer the natural fruits of sex (children), you often experience fear – more if you don’t use birth control, but there is always some chance of pregnancy even with birth control. Of course, abortion may lessen this fear, but abortion is not a righteous way to avoid reaping what you sow – at least one person suffers (the dead child), and post-abortion syndrome is a well-documented mental illness often suffered by women who abort.
When you are married, and have a healthy view of children, you are not afraid to have them, medical complications aside.
2. No fear of disease
The world of sex, even kissing, is way more risky than it used to be. When 1 out of 4 people have an STD (or in Africa, where 1 out of 4 have HIV!), just kissing can be risky.
When you are in a permanent relationship that has not been putrefied by disease from promiscuity or infidelity (yours or your partners), the fear of disease from sex is outside of your relationship. Very nice.
3. No guilt
There is often guilt associated with premarital or extramarital sex. And while some may have no guilt at all, that does not mean that sex outside of marriage is OK. In fact, the conscience is not an infallible guide to what is right – it is supposed to warn you of sinful acts – warn you because such acts have negative consequences. However, if your conscience is not working properly and fails to warn you, you end up hurting yourself or others anyway.
The conscience acts as a warning for the soul as pain does for the body. If you fail to feel pain when you hurt yourself, you go on hurting yourself and not knowing it. This is how leprosy works – lepers don’t feel pain, so when they hurt their extremities, they don’t notice it. In fact, in poor countries, rats eat the fingers and toes of sleeping lepers and the lepers do not even wake up. If your conscience isn’t telling you that extramarital sex is wrong, that doesn’t mean you aren’t suffering consequences, it just means you don’t realize it.
4. Strengthening of the Marriage Promise
Sex is meant to solidify the emotional and spiritual union between two people, hence the warning in 1 Corinthians 6:16
Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”
Sex within marriage strengthens the bond between you. It does the same outside of marriage, which leads to our next benefit…
5. No fear of emotional disengagement/separation within the marriage promise
When two people have sex outside of marriage, then end up parting ways, they have a soul/spirit bond of intimacy which now needs to break. We think of this type of heartbreak as a common thing, but it is only common because we are so used to sinning in this way. If we had obeyed God’s rules for sex, we would suffer much less heartbreak in relationships. When you have sex in marriage, you don’t have to worry about the person leaving you.
Of course, with the epidemic of divorce reaching 50%, even in the church, this benefit is robbed by the sin of divorce (of course, divorce is justifiable and unavoidable in some cases – even Jesus taught so in Matthew 19:9).
I’m sure there are more, but that’s a good start.
What a wonderful post and timely. I look forward to the opportunity to web my partner and gain the joys and benefits of marriage you describe here.
oh wait …
people like you won't allow us to …
and the reason being? us getting married will singlehandly destroy your marriage to the sexy woman you have described here a couple of times. Seekr – if your marriage is that weak – i would suggest divorcing now and finding someone else…
This line made my soda come out of my nose ROFL and ouch!
They also need to see that it is their duty to enjoy sex to the fullest.
Seeker you have a great sense of humor but just don't realize it :)
You're kidding me, right?
1. (Some) Christians hate sex, yourself included, unless that sex is had precisely within the guidelines that you personally demand. Saying anything else is a pure lie.
2. Seriously, if you look at the righteous hatred directed toward those who enjoy sex in ways different than Pat Robertson and his wife do, the only logical conclusion is that (Some) Christians hate sex.
3. Seriously.
They also need to see that it is their duty to enjoy sex to the fullest.
I didn't write that line.
Some) Christians hate sex, yourself included,
Sam, your use of the word hate is so broad and indiscriminate, it has become nearly meaningless. Go back and read What is Hate again, and this time, do a report on it so I'm sure you understand it ;)
I didn't write that line.
Well, my nose still hurts. Don't worry, I still think you have a sense of humor :)
Definately a well written article that needs to be confronted in the church.
Holy cow this is a great reason not to get married!
Bridezilla!
I felt strongly the way you do,and saved sex for marriage. Unfortunately, my wife (who was also a virgin at marriage) lost nearly all interest in sex after we had our first child. The third time we had intercourse after the birth of our son (almost a year) she got pregnant again. Now she doesn't want it at all. I love my wife and it is frustrating.
I think sex in marriage in the ideal, but no sex in marriage seems to be worse than no sex at all. I have to say I'm becoming disillusioned with the whole thing.
Have you considered getting a vasectomy? I recently had one, wanting to cap my family at 3 kids.
If you are interested in Christian perspectives on this, I highly recommend The Sterilization Option: A Guide for Christians.
You can also check out my other post on this subject, Should Christian Couples Use Birth Control?
Your wife may also need counseling – disinterest in sex is not normal, though it may be common, esp. among women, for various reasons, including problems in the relationship, childhood molestation, sexual trauma, or even a type of traumatic stress disorder from giving birth. I'm sure there are counselors (and self-help books) that deal with this.
You should not settle for a sexless marriage, because that indicates or leads to other relational breakdown. Your wife needs your understanding and patience, but she also needs to pursue help and healing.