Population experts such as Paul R. Ehrlich and Thomas Malthus have long contended that humans are heading for mass starvation due to overpopulation.  They have predicted that we will run out of all kinds of resources, including food, energy, and water.

But today, Dr. Gimmy Green of STop Uncontrolled Population and Industrial Destruction (STUPID) released a new list of recommendations that humans can take to stop contributing to global warming.  The underlying assumption?

Too many humans are breathing too much air.

STUPID made the following recommendations for personal behavior and public policy:

  1. Engage in less aerobic exercise – heavy breathing associated with aerobic exercise creates 5x the normal amount of CO2 as compared to resting.
  2. Limit walking by using electric scooters – the less you use your muscles, the less oxygen you will use, and the less CO2 you will produce.  Motorized scooters can move you around much more efficiently than your own legs.
  3. Lose weight – carrying around your weight uses a lot of energy, and the less weight you have, the better.  However, don’t use exercise to lose weight, since that would contribute to global warming.  Instead, merely limit your caloric intake – that will also save on food, which saves the energy that would have been needed to produce the food.
  4. Stop arguing – research has shown that when we get irritated, our heart rate and O2 consumption go up.  By being unceasingly agreeable with others, you can reduce not only your own use of oxygen, but others’ as well.  And you will help create a kinder world.
  5. Start taxing atheletes and sports teams – not only do atheletes create more than their share of CO2 through their constant practice and competition, public events where fans gesticulate wildly also create significant amounts of CO2.  It’s time for sports teams and fans to start paying for their contribution to global warming.
  6. Have less sex – again, heavy breathing is involved.  In fact, it is recommended that you only have sex when you plan to have children.
  7. Have less children – children have an incredible footprint – carbon footprint, that is.  As Jonathon Porritt, chairman of the British government’s Sustainable Development Commission, told The Times [London] just this week, it is high time that the government moves to limit family size in the nation for the good of the environment.

When asked for an interview, Gimme Green refused, saying that he did not want to contribute to global warming by repeating himself, and directed us to his press releases and recorded speech.  We laud him for his comittment to preserving humanity and the environment.