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Pet Peeves #001 – In the men’s room6 min read

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This post is part of a series.

paperWe all have things that other people do that bother us, even though we know they should not.  Here’s my list of pet peeves in public rest rooms.

  1. Guys that stand up to pee in the stall – It amazes me that, even though perfectly good and unoccupied urinals are available, some guys persist in walking into a stall to pee standing up. Why is this annoying?  Because much of the time, they don’t put up the lid, and end up splashing pee all over the surface where us normal guys put our butts.Now, I guess if you put up the seat first, it might be ok, but even that sucks – because you splash on everything else, and I might come in contact with the side or front of the bowl, or even worse, my member might contact the inside of the bowl (see pet peeve #3 below).  Look, maybe your culture makes you shy about peeing in front of others, or maybe you think your penis is too small, but trust me, normal mature men don’t care a whit about your wee penis.  We care more about your making a mess for the rest of us.
  2. Guys that push the handle with their feet – Ever seen someone get up off the pot and flush the toilet with their foot?  Yeah, I mean, they wouldn’t want to get germs on their hands from the handle, especially since the last jerk who flushed the toilet did the same thing.  I mean, just because the public park floors are covered with pee is no reason to press the pee-soaked sole of your shoe onto the handle.  Here’s a thought – use your HAND to flush, then WASH YOUR HANDS.
  3. Toilets that are too round or too short – My brand new home sparkled when I bought it.  Its one shortcoming?  The builder used toilets that had small, round openings fit for a child’s butt.  I mean, I know that making the bathroom 3 feet wide means everything has to be smaller, but the problem with these is that when I sit down, my you-know-what touches the inside of the porcelain bowl.  Even where I work, we have this problem, and I just know the guy before me probably had HIS wiener rub in the same spot.   Ewww (shudder).  Somehow, I don’t mind putting my butt cheeks on the same seat as the previous guy, but my wiener has an OPENING that might touch the icky inside of the bowl.  There’s a reason why they invented those oblong, elliptical toilet bowls.  One day, I’ll replace mine with one.  But then, the bathroom door might not shut.
  4. Spring-loaded sink faucets – In an effort to save water, some places put in these faucets that make you push down, and water comes out for maybe 10-15 seconds while you rinse.  Then they shut off.  Those aren’t too bad, but some actually make you keep one hand pressing down while the water comes out.  This means that you have to lather up, then rinse one hand at a time.  I guess these things are a necessary evil, but they annoy me.
  5. Cement floors – many public parks have those gray cement floors.   And no matter how much you clean them, they still smell like pee.  I guess tile is too nice, or too hard to maintain.  I guess the one payback is that the same texture that holds the pee smell also keeps you from slipping on the pee.
  6. Low toilet paper dispensers – May public rest rooms have those large toilet paper dispensers – you know the ones – about 12 inches in diameter.  The problem?  They dispense paper out of the BOTTOM, and usually, the thing is mounted at knee height.  In order to reach the paper, you have to reach to the bottom side of the dispenser, which is about 6 inches from the floor.  Not only is this a pain if you have middle-aged paunch around the middle, but your paper can touch the floor, which could be pee-soaked cement.  What idiot mounts these things so low?
  7. Cheap, easy to rip toilet paper – Another problem with the mega-dispensers is that they have these huge heavy rolls of onion-skin thick paper.  The heavy roll, it turns out, is hard to turn on the spindle, so you have to pull hard on the paper.  The problem?  The paper is so thin, that it rips if you put more than a little pull on it.  You end up having to bend over (because it is so low), and physicall turn the roll with your hand to feed the paper out.  Someone should be punished for this type of oversight.
  8. Over-sensitive auto flushers – The person who invented the motion-sensor’s application to toilet flushing should be given a medal.  At least, on the urinals.  On the sit-down toilet, it’s a whole nother matter.  I’ve been on some that are so sensitive, every time you lean forward to wipe, it flushes.  And if you have problem #9, this becomes doubly annoying.
  9. Overly violent flushes – Ever finished wiping, and flush only to find out that the toilet splashes so much you think you pushed the bidet button?  Lovely.  Now I’ve got toilet water all over my butt.
  10. Poor ventilation – Let’s face it – excrement stinks, and men put out a lot of stink.  Surprisingly, some bathrooms don’t even have exhaust fans, or they’ve installed one that could recirculate all the air in the place once a day, or in some cases, the fan is just broke.  This should be a fine-able offense.  I mean, MY stuff doesn’t stink that bad, but those other guys?  Foul.

Did I miss anything?  I’m sure I’ll think of more later.