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Why Earth should be the Planet of the Apes3 min read

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Chimp HumanA recent study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS) indicates that chimps may be more evolved than humans.  While this development may have little impact on current science, it contradicts the anthropocentric view of the world, which views humans as the pinnacle of evolution, and the de facto owners or rulers of the earth.

Of course, such a view is strengthened by the Judeo-Christian view that all of creation was made for man, and that man was given dominion over the creation.  However, certain liberal mainstream Christian churches, who were already concerned about the environment, are using this new bit of data to go to the next step – serving the chimps.

Rev. Ima Postate, Wiccan priestess and pastor of the First Episcopalian Church of Pattersonville, California, rejoices in this new bit of science.

“I always knew that there was something special, even superior, about chimps.  And I’ve come to realize that we are not really here to lord it over the creation, but to serve it.  In fact, our church board has just approved a huge change in our spending.  We are closing down our soup kitchen and programs for unwed mothers, and will be opening up a chimp sanctuary on the 40 acres we had previously purchased for our retreat center.”

Naturally, hardliners in the church refuse to move along with what the science has clearly shown, and, stuck in their anthropocentric view (they probably believe that the sun revolves around the Earth too!), are threatening to split off from the church unless the man-centered services are left functioning.

“We wholeheartedly disagree with this change of direction.  Not only does it contradict the Word of God (TM), but we recognize that thousands of people who live on simian meat in foreign countries would go hungry if this perspective were adopted” responded Rex Terra, who is leading the opposition.

To publicize their disagreement with the Pastor, opponents are sponsoring a chimp-fry next weekend, and will be serving barbecued chimp to the homeless whose programs are scheduled for closure.

“We realize that people might be grossed out by this,” said Terra, “but we are making a point.  God gave us this earth to do what we want with it, and that includes eating what we want, when we want, and how we want it.”

Pastor Postate has been trying to reason with the opposition, but they seem resistant to any compromise or discussion.

“It’s a shame that they refuse to see the obvious implications of evolutionary science.  We are not here to serve ourselves, but to serve the creation.  And I am horrified that they would kill and eat our evolutionary superiors – it would be more ethical to eat humans than a chimp.”

This potential church split is going on in more than one church in America.  Many other churches are splitting between the conservatives and the eco-friendly parishioners, between those who hold to outdated views of the value of humanity and those who respect science and reason.

“Evolution itself has created so many miraculous and beautiful forms of life,” said Postate, “and it seems hubris to think that we humans have any kind of ownership of nature.  People of reason ought to follow reason and science to wherever they lead, because in the end, they are our only real tools for finding truth.”