Most men today arrive in adulthood with injured masculinity. We are victims of bad or absent fathering, or abuse by other males. Rather than displaying the characteristics of mature manhood, we display the absence of masculinity in passivity, indecision, effeminacy, and moral weakness, or the false masculinity of machoism and agression.
How Did We Get Here?
We have forgotten and neglected the truths of the biological and emotional distinctives of male and female. We have abandoned the biblical view of masculinity, and substituted all kinds of imbalances in its place.
This has mainly occured as a reaction to the domineering masculinity of the recent past in our society. Just as those in power in the recent past justified the second class citizenship of some races, and slavery, they also justified the supression of women. The women’s movement rightfully looked for certain types of equality in our society, and have largely achieved them, including the right to vote, to own property, and to be paid equal wages for equal work.
But something happened along the way. In trying to counter the false masculinity of the domineering, and even voilent men leading society, the women’s movement began to hate the masculine. They tried to say that men and women were not only equal in rights, but equal in personality and temperament – that there was no difference between male and female. And they even tried to denigrate and destroy some of the traits we call male, like aggression and leadership by fiat, by labeling them as “pathologic,” when they were really created by God to be used properly, and in balance with concilation and leadership by consensus, respectively.
The Post-Feminism Men’s Movement
In more recent days, popular psychologists like John Gray have become very successful because they have been teaching the balanced truth about men and women – that they are different in some very foundational ways. Not that one is better than the other, but that they are merely complimentary, and are both needed in relationships and society.
Additionally, Robert Bly’s book Iron John helped usher in what’s called the Mythopoetic Men’s Movement . A long list of both secular and Christian books have filled the shelves to help men find and heal their masculinity. Additionally, there is the ongoing series of stadium events, Promise Keepers, now in their 14th year, as well as other ministries specifically focused on men, like Million Mighty Men.
Should Men Be “All Masculine” and Women be “All Feminine”?
Before we talk about the true masculine, it should be noted that men and women both have a mix of what we consider masculine and feminine traits. Leadership and decisiveness, which some call masculine traits, are also the traits of a mature woman. The ability to nurture children and emote is often called feminine, but a healthy man will also be able to do such things. And, some men are more sensitive than others, while some women are more aggressive than others. These are not bad things, but deep down, there are some essential qualities that each man must have at their core to be a healthy man, and each woman must have to be a healthy woman.
Developing Gender Identity
Psychology shows us that children develop a sense of maleness or femaleness between the ages of 2 and 4. They do so by bonding with a same-sex adult, and in doing so, internalize that gender so that they later see themselves as male or female. However, when this bonding is interrupted by the absence of a male or female role model to bond with, or by an abusive or bad role model, often, this gender formation is incomplete.
Some psychologists have postulated that this is what leads many into homosexuality. Based on this theory, they treat gays by helping them heal their hurts with respect to gender, and help them to see the true masculine or feminine, rather than the twisted version they experienced and rejected. And many of us have arrived into adulthood with injured gender identity, even if we never became gay to try and solve this inner need.
Next Time: Part II: The True Masculine: The Warrior
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Thanks, I needed that.
But wait…of course!! How could I have been so blind? All this blather about threatened masculinity above, combined with your former comments about your "effeminacy" and your journey out of a cult-like fundamentalism to your present evangelical identity (frying pan/fire), along with your building a family – you are an "ex-gay"!! How stupid of me. This explains your adamantine denial of reality, your refusal to listen, your desperate clinging to your theories about homosexuality and its "healing." Of course!
Please excuse me. I didn't know. You should be an object of compassion rather than of contempt. You are desperate to preserve your family and your precarious identity as a heterosexual. Thus, your obession with proving me wrong. I represent all that you are and fear. So sorry.
Someday you may want to face reality and "come out." If so, e-mail me. Until then, no point in continuing.
Good luck.
LOL! The fact is, I had many of the predisposing factors – except I never rejected masculinity due to a bad role model – I just never had one, so never felt quite a man, and had no real idea about how to become one inwardly.
I must admit that I have never been attracted to men (the thought is, um, repulsive), though I have seriously considered it. Some day I'll tell you about the gay yoga instructor who offered me the chance to find out if I was really gay. Suffice it to say, I was not. If I ever find out that I am really gay, though, you will have the last laugh.
However, as I have stated, and will state, many men have injured masculinity, but don't venture into homosexuality – they cope with other maladaptations. Mine were intellectual superiority and rejection of machoism, spectator sports, and manual tasks.
You are right in assuming that those with an anti-X fixation often have a problem with X. However, those who have been healed also have a fixation with bringing that healing to others. That is one of my passions.
This series, however, is really not for or about gays, but about men. It is aimed at heteros. So perhaps you can learn something from it without feeling you are becoming ungay. Or is your masculinity perfectly intact as it is, and not in need of repair?
Seeker… Without insulting you, or attacking your integrity, I need you to explain yourself here.
I can't "seriously consider" liking the taste of beets, for example, because I do not, in fact, like the taste of beets at all. And I can't "seriously consider" being a republican because I don't actually have any strong conservative leanings. So how can you "seriously consider" being attracted to men if you do not, in fact, actually find men attractive? The entire notion is as preposterous as the rest of your post, which has no legitimate basis in logic or fact.
Of course, I was teasing seeker a little (though I leave the possibility open). But I do think he's a little confused about the two separate issues of gender identity and sexual orientation. As it is I have absolutely no issues with "masculinity" as such (ie, the current, American idea of what the masuline consists of). There seems to be a misconception that all gay men are feminine acting – "swishy" – and have trouble with their masculinity. I, on the other hand, blend in quite well. You would never suspect. And I know many gay men who are quite masculine in appearance and action as well (some atheletes). In fact, I prefer "masculine" men. I have been well-trained by my culture in that respect. It's clear that gender identity is a cultural thing, while sexual desire lies well outside inculturation – something seeker and his buds fail to perceive. Sort of like hardware and software.
Of course, seeker and his allies in the cristianist and/or conservative right have other motives (ie,political) for their campaign to translate sexual hardware issues into sexual software issues. If gays can be deprogrammed and remade into hets, then all this fooforaw about "gay rights" and laws protecting gays,etc. can be abandoned. For, if homosexuality is a choice or a mental illness, it has no standing (as does race) for legal protection. They can thus dismiss all attempts to enact legislation protecting gays, and can even argue for discrimination. They will then be able to protect their patriarchalist and heterosexist hegemony and their fundamentalist view of religion. Easy.
Of course, in order to do this, they must ignore all the sciences and even reality itself – turn a "deaf ear" in seeker's own words.
Regarding Outward Gayness
The ex-gay movement recognizes that male homosexuals range from swishy to average-joe to hyper-macho. But the contention is that, no matter how they present outwardly, their romantic and sexual attraction to men is a result of their misaligned relationship with the masculine. Their inner self-concept is injured and not functioning as nature intends.
Regarding Gender Identity
Gender identity issues are not the same thing as homosexuality – they are the necessary precursor. As i have said, I myself had some gender issues which did not lead to male attraction, but which did need healing.
Regarding My Exploration of Personal Gayness
Stewart, here's my answer.
So here's the story. I was at a retreat at Esalen, a new age retreat center with "clothing optional" areas. There was a gay yoga instructor who was hot for me, and one night, he propositioned me on the beach. "Come on," he cajoled, "who's going to know? You can explore and have fun." So I honestly asked myself, do I want to do this? Should I try? I mean, all my life I had been a sensitive, artistic kid, accused at various points of being gay (but boys always call the weaker ones "gay").
So I took stock, and the feeling and answer came back – NO. Even if no one ever found out, I had no desire to be with this man, nor any man. It held no appeal.
Perhaps that is not enough of an "exploration" of one's gayness. But that's as far as I needed to go to figure it out for me.