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Satan’s classified ad2 min read

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It seems Satan, like a lot of small business owners, is having a hard time finding good help recently.

First we had the news break that the number for Satan’s antichrist is not actually 666, but 616. I believe it to be a ploy by Satan to cause slick-haired televangelist across the nation to have to reprint all of their apocolyptic material.

My favorite quote comes from the Satanic High Priest:

Peter Gilmore, High Priest of the Church of Satan, based in New York, said: “By using 666 we’re using something that the Christians fear. Mind you, if they do switch to 616 being the number of the beast then we’ll start using that.”

And I thought laziness and apathy were just problems of the Christian church. It seems that Satan can’t even get his minions fired up either. If one of his high priests is like, “Well whatever the Christians use, we’ll use because really we’re only here to mess with them,” it cannot be a good time for the lord of darkness.

(Actually much of the evidence still points to 666, but that is not much of a story is it?)

Now comes the news that a perfectly good Satanic ritual was not in fact a Satanic ritual, but rather the result of lazy slaughterhouse worker.

A Canadian community was upset and worried after two goat heads were left on a bench near an area school. Many residents feared some type of Satanic ritual or curse, but actual a slaughterhouse worker had taken the heads with the intention of mounting them. He then changed his mind and left them on a bench outside the school hoping a janitor would pick them up.

I know that God is in need of more committed followers, I had no idea that the forces of evil were in such disrepair as well.