Fellow Evangelicals, the day we have long hope to avoid has no arrived. We prayed that our nefarious schemes would lie hidden under the church pews, but unfortunately Kelvin Fisher of Rowlett, Texas has discovered our plans.

At our most recent annual Christian Conspiracy Convention, I urged each of you to refrain from sharing any of our plans with your non-evangelical friends. I pleaded with you to simply no longer talk to anyone not part of “our circle” to prevent something like this from happening.

However, now that one of you has let Kelvin Fisher of Rowlett, Texas in on our plans we might as well come out in the open with it all. Here is the letter the accursed Kelvin Fisher of Rowlett, Texas wrote to the Dallas Morning News:

Next, the Christian left?
Re: “Join The Debate – The Obama rally,” Thursday Viewpoints.

Tod Robberson has reason to be concerned about the religious overtones of the recent Obama political rally that ended with “Barack Obama, in Jesus’ name, yes we can.”

Its not weird; it’s scary. Now that the religionists have screwed-up the Republican Party for the rest of us, they are moving over to the Democratic Party.

I heard from some evangelicals last summer that this is their next mission.

The situation couldn’t be more perfect for them to move in on.

Kelvin Fisher, Rowlett

Yes, it is true. Now that we evangelicals own the Republican party and can flex our will on all the GOP electorate, we are moving toward the Democratic party.

I’m not sure which one of you told the forever accursed Kelvin Fisher of Rowlett, Texas of our next move, but rest assured that our dark overlords know and you will be punished appropriately.

Despite our plans seeping out into the public, rest assured Religious Right warriors that we will go on undeterred and will conquer the Democratic party as well. The only thing that is not decided is what we will do with it once we have it in our control.

We were thinking about sprucing up the place a bit, adding a deck on back and trying to flip it to the Libertarians for a profit, but I’m not sure they can afford the asking price. If you can think of anything useful we could do with that Democratic party once we have successfully completed that mission please let us know. Until then, please do not leak any information about the next mission, code name: Conquer the News Now.