While some recent estimates of the gay population in America have come in as high as 1 in 10, a new report from the liberal Christian think tank Gay Statisticians Bringing Accuracy to Gay Statistics (GASBAGS) has come out with a new report claiming that up to 90% of evangelicals may be closet homosexuals.

"It was really quite logical," said spokesperson Dr. Ima "Spin" Master.  "Once we assumed that everyone who spouts regular anti-gay rhetoric, which we call "hate speech," was really just projecting self-loathing at their own same sex attractions, it all added up quite quickly."

Using similar models, GASBAGS has also estimated that most evangelicals
have had, or are secretly having, abortions and illicit sex.  This data,
of course, is no surprise, as we see such revelations daily in
high-level Christian leadership across the news (though, bless their hateful hearts, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, James Dobson, Billy Graham, and D. James Kennedy have yet to be exposed for the adulterers and homosexuals they probably are – it brings consternation to think that for every Ted Haggard, Jimmy Swaggart, or Jim Baker, there are 10 highly visible Christian leaders who haven’t been found out yet).

However, not all of their analyses produce such overwhelmingly conclusive results.   

"Assuming that evangelicals are filled with hate," remarked Master, "we were surprised to find that evangelicals give more to charities, even non-Christian charities, than others."

However, there is an explanation that can preserve the conclusion that evangelicals are basically hateful, while still being able to give.  As popular atheist and humanitarian Sam Harris has noted, evangelical, and in fact, Christian morality and generosity, are basically fear and threat-motivated, rather than love-motivated.  Such self-preservation motives are clearly compatible with hatred.

GASBAGS is investigating many other exciting hypotheses, including evidence that

  • humans are actually born promiscuous, and that the institution of marriage and the promotion of chastity is actually inhibiting our natural state, which is to have multiple children by multiple partners throughout our child-bearing years
  • aggression, even homicidal aggression, might be genetic, and therefore, we might be harming murderers by incarcerating them.  Rather than punishing such offenders, newer research indicates that they may be perfectly suited for work in such clandestine organizations as the CIA, or as soldiers in middle-east operations
  • all children are actually BORN biologically homosexual, but  environmental factors and social pressure turn them into heterosexuals.  If this hypothesis turns out to be true, we may have to add heterosexuality to the DSM as a developmental disorder and an illness.

Such provocative and exciting research is what GASBAGS is all about.

"We’re not interested in the more esoteric, dare I say boring scientific research," Masters remarked teasingly, "but rather, we want to question the cultural and traditional assumptions held by humanity and the world’s enduring religions for centuries, because they often inhibit the free expression of the human soul, and especially, the sexual being.  And we think this is, well, a sin, if you’ll pardon the expression."